Cognitive Dissonance and Candy Canes
Understanding the source of our psychological tension during the Christmas season for Muslim parents and kids.
“All I want for Christmas … is you."
I know you just sang that in your head as you read it…. We listen we don’t judge. Right?
You hear Mariah Carey’s holiday audio trend popping up in vertical media everywhere. Christmas carols might evoke nostalgia, reminding you of the times when your second-grade teacher played them in class.
The white snow makes you want to curl up with a peppermint hot chocolate, a good book, or a Hallmark movie by the fireplace.
Christmas was magical when I was in fourth grade. Mr. Love, our next-door teacher would sometimes dress as Santa and would give us gifts, and everything felt festive. I knew, as a Muslim, I wasn’t supposed to celebrate the holiday, but the events of the season stretched across an entire month, and I couldn’t miss so much school.
I hated the feeling of cognitive dissonance, or is it fitrah?
What is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance occurs when you hold two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or ideas that create uncomfortable psychological tension. For example, you might feel torn between participating in something culturally significant (like Christmas/holiday celebrations) and staying true to your religious values.
According to Leon Festinger, who first developed this theory, people seek to resolve this tension by changing their beliefs or behaviors to bring them into alignment, thus restoring a sense of harmony.
On the other hand, fitrah refers to our inborn natural disposition toward the truth. As outlined in the hadith, "No child is born but that he is upon natural instinct" (Sahih Muslim). Our fitrah is what naturally inclines us toward believing in Allah and submitting to His oneness and will. The friction between our fitrah and the environment can cause a similar kind of tension, leading us to question how we align ourselves with our faith in the face of external pressures.
In my case, I justified attending the Santa assembly because I simply couldn’t afford that much absenteeism. For some, skipping a Christmas work party might mean sacrificing a promotion. For a new mom trying to make friends, not sending her kids to a holiday party could make her feel like the odd one out.
But Why is Our Fitra Important Here?
Islam is often referred to as deen al-fitrah—the religion of human nature—because its teachings are perfectly aligned with our innate dispositions. Allah (SWT) says in the hadith Qudsi, “I created My servants in the right religion” (Muslim). This understanding of fitrah highlights that the natural state of the human soul is one that is aligned with belief in Allah and submission to Him.
Fitrah has both a physical and spiritual form. In this discussion, we are focused on the spiritual dimension. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, “No child is born but he is upon natural instinct. His parents make him a Jew, or a Christian, or Magian.” This highlights the role of parents and society in shaping the environment in which a child's fitrah develops.
Now What Is The Relevance of Cognitive Dissonance to Christmas
A few years ago, I posted a meme on Instagram expressing, “I don’t understand why Muslims are using Christmas audio trends on reels.” This post sparked a lot of heated responses. Some said things like:
So what if Muslims use Christmas audio?
Why is it a problem to put up a Christmas tree to celebrate Prophet Isa’s birthday? He’s our prophet too!
We’re celebrating the season, not Christmas.
And every message concluded with, “You don’t know someone’s intentions, so stop judging.” Or the latest one I read about an influencer who posted pictures standing next to A Christmas tree, “It doens’t define my faith.”
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
Yes. Yes it does. If you took my Christmas workshop, you’d know that. Kudos to my members who get it!
At the time, I was just trying to find humor in what was happening on social media, but I was met with a barrage of upset Muslims. It made me realize how complex our cultural and religious challenges can be, especially when it comes to assimilation. It also made me realize how WEAK we’ve become in our fundamental understanding of our religion.
Back to cognitive dissonance.
The psychological tension caused by cognitive dissonance often leads to two possible outcomes:
Change in Beliefs – The individual may assimilate new information, like the idea that Christmas is a commercialized holiday rather than a strictly religious one, and adjust their beliefs accordingly.
Rejection of New Information – The individual may reject or ignore the new information to protect their existing beliefs, maintaining the status quo.
The decision to assimilate or reject is influenced by personal values, societal pressure, and cognitive ability. It’s clear that cognitive dissonance plays a significant role in shaping our beliefs about religious matters especially as parents.
The Conflict Third-Generation Children Face
For many third-generation Muslim children raised in the West, the pull between two cultures is particularly strong during the Christmas season. Raised in households where the teachings of Islam are prioritized ( I hope), yet surrounded by an environment and culture that celebrates Christmas, they find themselves caught between two worlds.
On one hand, these children may feel a deep connection to their parents' heritage and religious values, which discourage participation in Christmas traditions. On the other hand, the culture around them celebrates Christmas as a time for family, gift-giving, and togetherness, creating a sense of inclusion they may desire to experience. Let’s be real, Christmas speaks to human desires.
This internal struggle between respecting their parents' values and fitting in with the mainstream culture can lead to significant emotional tension, particularly as they grow older and start forming their own identities and seemly they continue to struggle with this as they become parents themselves.
How Parental Cognitive Dissonance Affects Children
Cognitive dissonance doesn’t just affect adults; it impacts children as well. When children experience conflicting beliefs or values, they go through a revision process where their understanding of the world is adjusted. This process can be stressful but is essential for their growth and development.
For instance, if a child is taught that lying is wrong (a belief that aligns with their fitrah) but then sees their parents lying, they may question the value of honesty. Similarly, a Muslim child who is told not to celebrate Christmas but then witnesses their family engaging in Christmas-like activities could experience a conflict between their upbringing and what they observe in their environment.
This dissonance could prompt the child to either:
Reevaluate their beliefs, potentially leading them to reject their teachings,
Or, accept the new behaviors as normal, thus altering their worldview.
As parents, we need to be mindful of how our actions and the environment we create can influence the development of our children’s beliefs. At the same time, it’s essential to acknowledge the tension you might feel and understand that it’s normal. Your job is to guide children through their own process in a way that aligns with their fitrah, teaching them how to make informed decisions that honor their identity and Islam at all times.
How Can We Navigate Cognitive Dissonance as Parents?
Cognitive dissonance is a natural part of life. We all experience it at some point, and by learning how to navigate it positively, we can minimize its negative effects. One approach is acknowledging the inconsistency without trying to resist it. Research has shown that suppressing emotions can intensify them, while simply observing them can help them dissipate.
Instead of fighting the discomfort, use it as an opportunity for personal growth. Seek Allah’s help, renew your intentions, and educate yourself on what Islam says about the issue. Being part of a community that shares your values can provide support and guidance as you navigate these challenges.
Additionally, studies suggest that listening to music can help mitigate cognitive dissonance by making individuals more accepting of new information. Now, imagine replacing this study with the power of Quran. The soothing, rhythmic nature of the Quran has the power to ease tension and realign us with our core values. This can be especially impactful for children, reinforcing their moral compass in a way that strengthens their connection to Islam in a meaningful way.
Navigating cognitive dissonance in a world that is increasingly challenging our values is tough, but it’s an opportunity for growth. As parents, it’s crucial to guide our children through this process, helping them reconcile the tensions they feel between external influences and their faith. Understanding the challenges of assimilation, particularly for third-generation children, is key to offering the right support and guidance.
How I Can Support You?
Every year, I help Muslim parents from around the world guide their children through the Christmas holiday season with confidence and ease. My Christmas workshop for Muslim kids is the perfect way to spend the winter break while instilling their Islamic Aqeedah in a practical way. It is popular for a reason. Check it out here!
Until next time, Take care
Assalamu Alekum.