The $800 Million Dollar Scheme We Adore
When Self-Help Promises Fall Short and Mislead our Faith as Parents
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Have you ever noticed the overwhelming repetition of certain buzzwords in our daily lives? Words like 'validate,' 'transform,' 'accept,' 'boundaries,' ‘growth,’ ‘manifest,’ all seem to be on everyone's lips.
People who casually toss around these words are seen as 'gurus' worthy of a follow.
Even dinner table conversations revolve around phrases like, 'Oh yeah, I watched that on Reels,' or 'Did you see that TikTok?'
To which we answer, “Oh yes, I’ve seen that.”
Social media feels like a recycled information treadmill on blast.
Recently, I came across a man on TikTok who meticulously dissected and created intricate diagrams from the book 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear as if it were some divine revelation. I couldn't help but think, 'Dude, wouldn't you rather do that with the Quran?'
You and I both know that James Clear’s book wasn’t a new concept, right? He had an exceptional marketing strategy for well-phrased ideas that echo throughout history repackaged for today’s consumer. Smart man.
But wait…
Let's take it a step further and figure out if what he teaches was already placed within our hands 1400 years ago.
One of the popular concepts taught by Clear is stacking habits. And it is all about combining inevitable daily routines to a habit that you want to adapt. By doing this, you will remain consistent and committed to reach your goals.
Take a pause here and think with me, does our religion teach this already? Consider the example of Fajr prayer. We pray when we wake up. Better yet, we wake up to pray.
Now, what about Tony Robbins? Another infamous self-help Guru. He incessantly emphasizes the importance of identity in all his seminars, asserting that change only occurs when we change our beliefs, and our beliefs are tied to our identity. So to get what we want, we must begin with the identity we choose.
People pay thousands of dollars to learn this.
Did Allah already taught this to us through the religion of Islam? One that we don’t have to pay man-made dollar for?
You bet He did! In fact, It’s THE expectation.
Our belief starts with submission to a higher and divine purpose, to worship Him alone. Our identity is the first pillar of Islam. If you’ve seen the “Quran reading” trend on Tiktok, you’ve seen that when people are converting/reverting to Islam, they don’t begin with prayers or fasting. They begin with identifying themselves with Islam.
This leads me to a crucial point: the self-help industry can be toxic and can negatively influence our faith, creed and ultimately our approach to parenting if we are not careful.
In recent decades, the self-help industry has witnessed an astonishing boom in popularity. Walk into any bookstore, browse online retailers, or scroll through social media platforms, and you're bound to stumble upon a plethora of self-help books, seminars, courses, and gurus promising the secrets to happiness, success, and fulfillment. This phenomenon has transformed self-help into a multi-billion-dollar industry, capturing the attention of millions seeking personal growth and life improvement.
The Numbers Don't Lie
To grasp the enormity of this industry's influence, consider the numbers. In 2020 alone, self-help book sales in the United States exceeded $800 million, a figure that has only continued to rise. This surge in demand isn't exclusive to the U.S.; self-help has gone global, resonating with individuals from diverse backgrounds and cultures. In the digital age, self-help's reach extends far beyond the printed page, with self-improvement influencers amassing millions of followers on platforms like Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. Think Jay Shetty, Brené Brown, Mel Robbins, Steven Bartlett and more (All of which chose to stay silent on G*za and Palestine by the way).
What fuels this remarkable surge in interest? At the heart of the self-help industry lies an enticing promise: the potential for profound personal transformation that lies within. It taps into the universal human desire for growth and improvement, promising solutions to life's challenges, whether they be related to relationships, career, mental health, or spirituality. This alluring promise of self-betterment has propelled many to embark on a journey of self-discovery, often with high hopes and unwavering dedication.
The positive aspects of the self-help industry cannot be overlooked. Many people have genuinely benefited from self-help literature, seminars, and guidance. Empowerment, increased self-awareness, and the acquisition of valuable life skills are just a few of the real benefits that people have experienced. In essence, self-help can provide tools for us to take charge of their lives, set meaningful goals, and overcome obstacles.
Setting the Stage for the Darker Side
While acknowledging the genuine benefits of self-help, it's essential to recognize that this industry's rapid growth also sets the stage for a darker side. As self-help literature becomes more abundant, accessible, and influential, it is crucial to critically examine the potential pitfalls and toxicity that can accompany this journey toward personal growth and transformation. It's vital to remember that discernment and critical thinking grounded in the principles of Islam are our allies. While self-help resources can be powerful tools for personal growth, they should be wielded with care, always with an eye toward our overall well-being that is rooted in our beliefs as Muslims. Now let’s discuss some of those pitfalls.
The Appeal of Instant Gratification
In a world where instant gratification is increasingly the norm, it's no wonder that the self-help industry often caters to this desire for quick fixes. Many self-help books and programs promise rapid and dramatic transformations in a short amount of time. They present a seductive narrative that suggests all your problems can vanish with a simple solution or a secret formula that always begins and ends with you. (Red flag. Insert Shaytan and the forbidden fruit analogy here).
While the idea of speedy personal transformation is undeniably appealing, it often leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointments and it removes a fundamental aspect of our faith that entails perceiving our efforts as only a faction of an effort that can only exist with Allah’s permission. With personal responsibility comes submission to Him knowing that all true good and change only come from Him and not our efforts and all bad comes from us and Shaytan.
Life is complex, and meaningful change usually requires plenty of time, effort, healing and sustained commitment with dua’a. Falling for the allure of quick fixes can set us up for a cycle of hope and despair, as we move from one self-help trend to another in search of that elusive instant solution.
The Pressure of Cult-Like Positivity
Self-help literature screams one pervasive message: maintain a relentlessly positive attitude amidst life’s challenges. While fostering optimism and a can-do mindset can be beneficial, the problem arises when positivity becomes an obsession, and we are pressured to suppress any negative emotions or thoughts.
Encouraging positivity is not inherently bad. It can inspire people to approach challenges with resilience and optimism, something our religion teaches us. However, when taken to an extreme, it can be harmful. Here's why:
Toxic Positivity: This is the notion that no matter how dire a situation may be, we must maintain a positive outlook. It dismisses genuine suffering and emotions, pressuring people to put on a facade of happiness even when they are struggling. This can lead to emotional suppression, anxiety, and the feeling of not being allowed to express one's true feelings (we will come back to this next week when we talk about parenting and toxic positivity, inshallah).
There is a major misconception here that states Islam perpetrates positivity no matter the struggle. This is false. The prophet’s of Allah all went through hardships we cannot fathom and in the Quran you’ll notice how they all engaged in talk-therapy with Allah. They would explain their frustrations and pain to the one who CAN make a difference first and foremost. By doing this, they practiced emotional authenticity removed emotional distress caused by suppression and actually sought the solution by calling on to Him while meeting Allah’s expectations of them always. It’s never either or- it’s both.
Failure to Address Real Issues: The cult of positivity often encourages us to look on the bright side and see every setback as a stepping stone to success. While this perspective can be motivating, it can also prevent people from addressing real issues and seeking practical solutions. A setback is a lesson yet to be learned.
The Importance of Emotional Balance
Instead of promoting relentless positivity, it's important to embrace emotional balance. This means allowing yourself to experience a wide spectrum of emotions, both positive and negative especially these days, in a healthy and constructive manner. Here are some key points:
Emotional Awareness: Be aware of emotions and accept them without judgment. Emotions are signals that convey important information about our needs and experiences.
Constructive Responses: Emotions teach us how to respond constructively to situations. Instead of suppressing negative feelings, we need to explore why we are feeling a certain way and consider what actions we can take to address the underlying issues.
Practical Optimism: It's okay to acknowledge challenges and setbacks, but focus on your ability to overcome difficulties through effort and reliance upon Allah.
Self-Compassion: It's perfectly normal to have moments of self-doubt, sadness, or frustration. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that one would offer to a friend in times of struggle. And that self-compassion truly begins and ends with Salah (prayer) and dua’a.
The Crash and Burn Phenomenon
One detrimental outcome of self-help like we talked about before is this quick-fix mentality which results in "crash and burn" phenomenon. When we eagerly embrace self-help advice that promises immediate results but fail to achieve them, we can experience feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and even depression. The cycle perpetuates itself: we seek more self-help advice, hoping to find the next fix that’s bound to work, only to be disappointed again and this is merely evident within ourselves and in our parenthood sometimes.
For example, a book says: Stay calm amidst the storm.
We think: I couldn’t sustain being calm today therefore, I failed.
Now we seek more self-help books without any real change. And the cycle never ends.
Two Keys and Solutions
The first key to navigating this aspect of the self-help industry is to set realistic expectations guided by our faith. Genuine personal growth often involves incremental progress, setbacks, and a continuous learning process that deserves relentless commitment. Rather than searching for instant solutions, we should focus on building sustainable habits and acquiring skills that lead to long-term improvement for this world and the next. In my opinion, nothing builds better habits than acts of worship done right the prophetic way. It builds the stamina we need to exceed in life’s challenges and reach our personal goals.
The second key is to approach secular self-help promises with a healthy dose of skepticism. Critical thinking and discernment are invaluable tools. Before embracing any self-help advice, ask yourself if it sounds too good to be true. Is it based on scientific evidence or backed by latest reputable research. And most importantly, are they based on sound principles according to Islam, or is it a flashy shortcut that seems superficial?
As I touched upon earlier in this article, the truest essence of self-help teachings are found within the words of Allah swt and the life of the prophet (peace be upon him). Muhammed is known to be the GREATEST man on a global scale - seriously google it. So doesn’t it make sense to learn how to be the best from him? The bonus for Muslims is that we get rewarded for studying his life with the right intentions so we can embody the very dua’a we always ask Allah Azza Wajal.
“Our Lord, give us in this world [that which is] good and in the Hereafter [that which is] good and protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” [Surah Baqara: 201]
Join me back here next week inshallah, as we delve into the commercialization of self-help and how the industry often prioritizes profit over genuine help and how it all impacts our parenting today.
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A valued FEF parent words that gave me the feels last month: This message was in response to a session we had on sibling rivalry.
Until next week, inshallah.
Takecare. Assalamu Alekum.