The Invisible Ramadan
And how to prepare for it strategically to maximize your potential as a parent
If you're a Muslim right now, you're likely either preparing eagerly or aspiring for a fulfilling Ramadan experience. You might feel overwhelmed by the anticipation of what's to come, or perhaps you're diligently gearing up to make the most of this blessed month. Regardless of where you stand, it's common for many of us to primarily focus on external preparations: meal planning, decluttering, and adorning our surroundings to welcome this sacred month.
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While these activities are necessary, I want to focus today on preparing the internal aspects that demand our greatest attention—arguably more than the external ones. We are spiritual beings first and human second, meaning our souls drive our lives in this world and are accounted for in the hereafter. Thus, Ramadan offers two experiences: the visible and the invisible, with the latter being the essence of this month. It's a time of spiritual worship rewarded only by Allah. The visible involves extra prayers, fasting, and good deeds, while the invisible concerns the soul's fasting from desires and sins, aiming for a heart cleansed of accumulated diseases. Starting with our internal state allows us to focus on areas needing tender loving care, enabling us to benefit from Ramadan in the most meaingful way possible.
Today, we will discuss three main aspects of an invisible Ramadan that we can prepare for:
1- The Heart
Maintaining a sound heart is a monumental task often overlooked and rarely emphasized. It's particularly challenging in our social interactions, where accepting differences and tolerating what we dislike are constant tests. Yet, it's crucial to remember that a heart filled with grudges or harbouring ill feelings towards others, be it envy or anger, cannot truly worship. Neglecting to cleanse our hearts from such negativity impacts our worship profoundly.
Allah swt says, "On the day when neither your wealth nor your children will be of any use to you, they will all forsake you and abandon you, except for one who comes to Allah with a free heart" (26:89).
Preparing our hearts for Ramadan entails introspection and the courage to engage in difficult conversations and acts of forgiveness. With only a few days remaining, I urge you to focus on purifying your heart from any hindrances to your Ramadan experience. Whatever you find challenging to clear, add it to your daily Ramadan dua’a list.
2- Relationships
Just as we prepare our external environment for Ramadan, we must also prepare for the relationships we'll encounter during this blessed month. Let's categorize relationships into two:
Friendships and Extended Family: This is an opportune time to assess the friends who support our worship and those who hinder it. Moreover, we should consider individuals in our lives who influence us toward sinful behaviors be it gossiping or wasting time. Perhaps Ramadan is an ideal period to create some distance if appropriate, both mentally and/or physically, from such influences to safeguard our Ramadan experience.
Spouses and Children: This is an occasion to focus on parenting and nurturing marital relationships. Take a moment to reflect not just on how to involve your children in Ramadan activities but also on how to exhibit the best version of yourself during this month of fasting and worship.
The prophet (saw) said in his final sermon, “The best of you is best to his family.”
Remember, being exemplary to our families is fundamental. Ask yourself how to enhance your patience and composure to exude kindness daily, not only during Ramadan but beyond. However, avoid overburdening yourself with more to-dos; instead, consider what you can remove or let go of to make space for increased energy, be it reducing household chores, work hours, or scheduling extra rest.
3- Parenting
Lastly, let's discuss Ramadan parenting. As parents, we bear the responsibility of instilling the pillars of Islam in our children. Is it sufficient to adorn our homes, read stories, and take our children to the mosque for prayers? While these efforts are commendable, we can further structure our Ramadan parenting to deliberately educate and nurture fasting as a core Islamic pillar.
Here is a simplified roadmap to Ramadan parenting that you can use as a guide:
0-3 Years Old:
Ramadan parenting begins from day zero. That begins with fulfilling the rights that bind you and your child. Keeping track of your missed fasts, educating yourself on which scholarly approach to take in terms of compensation and fulfillment beyond a simple Google search is part of beginning their Ramadan journey on the right path. In addition, work on enriching their vocabulary around Ramadan and label the different actions you do during the month with a lot of enthusiasm and cheer.
4-6 Years Old:
Begin laying the groundwork for Ramadan education. It’s time to teach them about basic Fiqh rulings of fasting while encouraging them to make many attempts to fast. The best approach is to begin gradually with delayed snacks, then slowly to missing one meal at a time. Although some kids in the age group might get overzealous, it might be wise to allow them to fast for a portion of the day instead of an entire one.
7-9 Years Old:
Strengthen their understanding and practice of fasting. Dive deeper into the Fiqh of fasting and allow them to try fasting for a full day occasionally, considering their developmental capacity. It’s a good time to allow children to try one full day a few times a week since their brain and body can handle longer hours.
10-12 Years Old:
Now that we’ve built the vocabulary, formed the base, built the foundation, it’s time to set the habit and create the discipline. This age group of kids should now begin fasting every day while taking breaks when needed only. The parent should set the expectation clear in a kind demeanour.
Your Ramadan parenting should start to sound something like this:
0-3: Mama can’t eat in your toy-kitchen today because It’s Ramadan and I am fasting.
4-6: Allah told us to fast in the month of Ramadan and you can practice by skipping lunch today.
7-9: You can fast on weekends as a starting point to practice for now.
10-12: We will officially start fasting in Ramadan together but you can take breaks too.
As you begin your Ramadan parenting journey, remember these key factors:
Become intentional with your parenting choices and make sure that it is coming from a place of fulfilling your duties as a parent in front of Allah swt.
Set clear expectations to avoid confusion. Before discussing Ramadan plans with your child, ensure you're clear about your own intentions. Consider their age and developmental stage, decide on your family's goals for the year, and communicate them clearly. While it's important to encourage your child's desires, clarity in expectations is paramount during Ramadan and acts of worship.
Tip: Remember, fasting can be challenging for children, which is why it's not obligatory upon them. Just because your child expresses a desire to fast a full day doesn't mean they're ready physically or mentally. Take heed and make decisions that will serve them long term. A negative experience fasting while the child is really young can have reverse effects on their intrinsic motivation moving forward.Avoid pushing extra worship onto children. While Taraweeh or night prayers are optional (nawafil), they're not obligatory for kids. In the early years, prioritize instilling the core pillar of fasting positively. Additional prayers can be introduced later; for now, focus on the mandatory acts. It's crucial for children to understand the difference between obligatory (fard) and optional (nafl) actions. If you equate night prayers with fasting in importance, children may mistakenly perceive them as obligatory. Be flexible with night prayers, following your child's lead.This wraps up our week. I pray that we all have an accepted Ramadan. May your wildest dua’as become true. Ameen.
What’s brewing in our community?
1- The Parenting with Clarity Planner + Video guide on how to use it for effective parenting is available here.
2- The Islamic Parenting Kit: Since last year, you've asked me to put this together and I am working on releasing it in Ramadan inshallah. Stay tuned.
3- Forming Early Foundations is getting a makeover this year. Join the waitlist here.