The One Parenting Strategy You’re Missing This Holiday Season
A Data-Driven Approach to Raising Confident Muslim Children
Christmas is a few days away, and after many discussions online, it's time to reflect on how we parent our Muslim children during the holidays. If you've been following me on Instagram, you've probably heard various perspectives from different walks of life in previous years.
As usual, I’ve grouped these perspectives into three major categories, and I noticed a common theme among them all. In the end, I’ll share some insights to keep in mind as we navigate Christmas or any other mainstream holidays.
The Main Opinions Shared with Me:
Group 1: Some believe there is no harm in children joining festival activities as long as they understand we don’t celebrate it as Muslims. They think it’s important for children to learn about different faiths to be respectful of other religions.
Group 2: Others think children should learn about Christmas to understand why we don’t celebrate it in Islam.
Group 3: Then, there are those who believe we shouldn’t teach our children about Christmas at all and instead focus on teaching them about Islamic Aqeedah, as they see no benefit in learning about Christmas.
I’m generalizing here for the sake of brevity, but it’s important to recognize that there’s no right or wrong opinion. Various factors, such as region, country, lived experiences, values, and religious ideologies, shape these viewpoints.
However, it’s safe to say that the majority of the Muslim population’s opinions on mainstream holidays fall into one of these categories. Now, let’s discuss how these approaches impact the parent-child relationship and religious identity, and the common theme I found.
The Research:
After observing these groups, I noticed that each of them correlates with a specific parenting style. To provide some context, let’s take a quick trip down memory lane.
Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist, conducted research on parenting styles in the 1960s. Her work significantly contributed to our understanding of how different parenting approaches impact children’s development and behavior.
Baumrind’s research aimed to investigate the relationship between parenting practices and children’s outcomes. She sought to identify distinct patterns of parental behavior and their potential effects on children’s psychological and emotional well-being. Her work provided a framework for understanding how parenting practices influence child development and helps parents and professionals make informed decisions about child-rearing.
The Three Main Parenting Styles:
Baumrind identified three main parenting styles, each characterized by specific attitudes and behaviors:
Authoritarian Parenting: This style is marked by high levels of control, strict rules, and little flexibility. Authoritarian parents (commonly seen in the Baby Boomer generation) tend to be demanding and expect obedience without providing much warmth or responsiveness. They often use punishment as a disciplinary tool. Baumrind found that children raised by authoritarian parents may become obedient people-pleasers in adulthood but may also experience lower self-esteem and struggle with decision-making.
Permissive Parenting: Permissive parents are lenient and indulgent, often giving in to their child’s desires and avoiding confrontation. They are nurturing and loving but may have trouble setting clear boundaries and enforcing rules. Children raised in permissive households may have difficulty with self-control and respecting authority figures—Gen Z anyone? (Don’t come at me!)
Authoritative Parenting: Baumrind highlighted authoritative parenting as the most balanced and effective approach. Authoritative parents set clear expectations and rules for their children but also provide warmth, support, and open communication. They encourage independence and decision-making within these boundaries. Children of authoritative parents tend to have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and are more academically successful. This parenting style is often seen in a mix of Gen X and millennials.
The Discovery:
Baumrind’s research demonstrated that authoritative parenting often leads to positive child outcomes, such as emotional well-being, academic success, and healthy social development. Conversely, authoritarian and permissive parenting styles can be associated with various challenges and issues in children's development. It’s important to note that any parenting trend or style you hear about online likely falls under one of these three main categories.
Now, do you see a common theme between the parenting styles and the perspectives above?
Group 1: Resembles a permissive style.
Group 2: Resembles an authoritative style.
Group 3: Resembles an authoritarian style.
The Big Question:
Do our parenting styles and behaviors correlate with our choices in child-rearing, discipline (tarbiyyah), and education?
In addition to identifying these parenting styles, Baumrind emphasized the importance of a responsive and nurturing parent-child relationship. She showed that a combination of clear boundaries and emotional support is crucial for children’s healthy development. This is the main premise of this newsletter.
If I can encourage you to do one thing during these holidays, it’s to take a proactive and responsive approach when it comes to Christmas or any other mainstream holiday. Remember, if the child can see it, they are thinking it. Whether or not they can articulate their thoughts or curiosity requires trust and communication.
There’s a reason why some of us never approached our parents with our curiosities growing up, whether it was about puberty, the opposite sex, or friendships. Only a handful of people feel comfortable enough to approach their parents about taboo topics. I want us to be those handful of parents, because the outcome is invaluable. Do you agree?
The Recommendations:
Here are my two cents for each perspective:
Group 1: Nothing your child does in the early years is harmless. Every action and choice impacts them, even if it's not immediately visible. The choices we make for our children until they hit puberty are our responsibility, and we will be held accountable by Allah. My advice is to ensure that every parenting choice you make for your child during these early years aligns with their Islamic identity.
Group 2: You are off to a great start. Keep the conversation evolving each year. Avoid repeating the same information every Christmas season, as your child's understanding will grow. Engage in a give-and-take dialogue. Understand your child's perspective and build upon their understanding of Tawheed. In fact, research suggests that conversational turns promote changes in brain physiology and language skills in children.
Group 3: I understand your desire to increase your child's understanding of Islam and to avoid teaching about Christmas. My recommendation is to use mainstream holidays to apply concepts of Tawheed. Holidays are a great opportunity to make the shahadah (testimony of faith) observable to children. Engaging in conversation and deepening their understanding, rather than lecturing, has a more lasting impact.
“The important thing is not just to talk to your child, but to talk with your child. It’s not just about dumping language into your child’s brain, but to actually carry on a conversation with them.” — Rachel Romeo, a graduate student at Harvard and MIT.
So Is It Worth It?
I advocate for teaching children about mainstream holidays to equip them with the language and tools needed to navigate this world confidently as believers. A knowledgeable person is less likely to be lured or influenced by foreign and Shirk ideologies. If you and I aren’t answering their questions and guiding their thinking, someone or something else will. While moving to a Muslim country (Hijra) may seem like a noble and needed solution, remember that mainstream holidays are a global phenomenon.
In December 2019, 93% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas alone. If you have access to media in your home, your child will come across Christmas promotions and content from their favorite media channels. Your external environment shouldn't be the only concern. It should also be what you have at home within every device. If they can see it, we should talk about it.
And if you need hands support in this area, well that is why I am here. Register now for over 60% percent off and begin your fun learning that not only feeds your child’s curiosity but also strengthens their identity and Aqeedah base this winter break!
Until next time,
Take care and Assalamu Alekum
