I Learned This From My Mom
What I learned from my mom that you can also learn about too
I want to tell you a story.
As an adult, I’ve started listening to more Arabic lectures and educational series rather than English because I realized I didn’t want it to become my dominant language. And I truly miss the the depth and sweetness that comes from studying Islam in Arabic.
Every time I sit with an Arabic text, every time I listen to a lecture and understand it fully, I feel something deep settle in me.
Gratitude. For my mother.
Because this gift, the ability to experience Islam in the language it was revealed in didn’t happen by accident. It was designed.
Here’s what my mom did.
When we were children, my mother looked at Arabic not as a language elective, but as one of the biggest barriers for the Islamic identity to grow, especially, Muslim children being raised in the West.
She saw that without it, her children would always be one step removed from the Quran. Always dependent on a translation and always experiencing Islam through a filter.
So she made a decision that many will not.
She picked up our entire family and moved us to Syria. We did not know anyone or have family there. She sent a relative ahead to find us a rental in a place she had never seen. Back when I was a kid, there were no Airbnbs that you can book online.
We landed in a suburban area surrounded by mountains. A complete culture shock from where we came from. Nobody spoke English. You couldn’t fall back on familiarity, or Google translate. You had to learn, fast, because that was the only option. This was a full immersive experience.
My mom immediately hired a Quran teacher and an Arabic tutor. There were daily intensive education while she paused secular education or that year.
Within twelve months, at the age of nine, I was fluent. Both in written and spoken Arabic. I went on to attend a Sharia middle school there and eventually graduated before making my way back to Canada to continue highschool there.
Now, to be fully honest, I did not like the culture shock, the intensive lessons, and the structure my mom designed for us as a child but I went with it. I mean I didn’t have a choice. I would much rather be in my comfort zone in Canada, playing with my friends and being close to my relatives.
But now, as a grown woman experiencing my religion through the Arabic language, I understand what she gave me and I appreciate what she sacrificed to make that happen.
My mom didn’t just make us trilingual. She gave us access to Allah, to His words, to His deen.
And what I keep coming back to is this:
My mom didn’t hope for that outcome. She didn’t wing it or figured it out as she went. She didn’t wait for the right time or the right resources or the right conditions.
She designed for it and she built a structure that is intentional, costly, uncomfortable because she was leading with a long-term Islamic vision for her children.
That is what designed leadership looks like.
And it’s what I’m asking you to consider for your own family.
There’s a verse in the Quran I return to often:
“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Ar-Ra’d, 13:11)
We read it as a call to personal transformation. And it is.
But I also read it as a statement that says change requires design and not hope.
See, in Islam, leadership has always been communal, structured, and rhythmic.
Think about how the five daily prayers are anchors.
Think about how Ramadan isn’t whenever you feel ready. It’s when the moon appears.
The same goes for Hajj, it has rituals. Zakah has percentages.
If you notice, Islam doesn’t leave spiritual and religious development to chance.
It gives us structure because it is truly mercy.
And yet, when it comes to raising our children in Islam, we improvise. We hope they pick it up. We add Islamic education when we have energy or we outsource it
We respond to situations as they arise and we ultimately spend the early years ‘managing.’
But here’s what I’ve learned throughout my own journey.
Improvising Islam at home is exhausting because you’re rebuilding the framework that translates best practices of parenting and Islamic guidance every single time.
And this constant decision-making comes at a profound cost.
The mental load that includes anticipating needs, coordinating schedules, working with finances, planning meals, and remembering appointments, work that happens constantly has a detrimental impact on you.
Research proves from a neurological perspective, the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain responsible for executive functioning) faces significant strain during tasks that require sustained mental effort. 1
When this region is activated for extended periods without adequate breaks, it leads to chronic stress, impaired decision-making, and difficulties in managing emotions.
This is why you can’t think straight by 3 PM. This is why you snap at your children over small things. This is why you feel like you’re constantly forgetting something important.
And no, none of those things have anything to do with your parenting strategies!
The Parenting Perfectionism Trap
But it gets more complex for our generation.
Recent research demonstrates that parents who report more hours of emotional support for their children are more likely to report negative mental health concerns, and intensive parenting ideology negatively impacts working parents who may already feel burdened by guilt.2
We’ve been conditioned to believe that every single decision we make may adversely impact our children. But the truth is, it’s not all decisions. It’s only a one - your child’s identity.
A study published by the Yaqeen Institute found that 23% of Muslims in America no longer identify with Islam. 3 Among the foremost cited reasons? The behavior of the Muslims around them, and a faith that was never woven into daily life and only performed in specific times and places.
The researchers explain that it is not sufficient for parents to limit the teachings and practice of Islam to ritual acts of worship to specific times and places alone. Rather, it is the awareness of Allah, His Names and Attributes, and the desire to connect with Him out of love and servitude that must be at the forefront of what is taught and applied at all times.
And yet Islamic education is the thing that gets added on when there’s energy left. Which means it almost rarely happens with presence, with intention, with design during the years it matters.
The research also showed that building a solid sense of Islamic identity is, across the board, one of the most common themes in resilience research.
For children growing up as minorities — as Muslim children in the West do — solidifying a robust sense of Islamic identity amidst peer and societal pressure is essential for their spiritual health.
This is not a small thing, it’s literally this is the whole thing. And you cannot build it reactively.
In a world where different parenting approaches are battling it out on social media, parents are left to believe that there is only one correct way to do things and that if they “mess up,” they are creating irreparable damage.
And for Muslim mothers? We’re navigating this while also trying to:
Preserve Islamic identity in a culture that dismisses it
Teach our children about Allah without formal access to structured curricula that can be woven into daily rhythm and parenting.
Translate every parenting strategy through an Islamic lens
Protect our children from harmful ideologies
Maintain connection to our deen while running on fumes
Is it any wonder we’re exhausted?
So Why are Mothers Still Improvise at Home?
Think about businesses. They don’t reinvent the sales process every time someone buys something.
They have a system built once, everyone follows it and it works.
Think about your health routines. You don’t decide what to eat for every meal from scratch every day. Ideally, you have principles, preferences and resources.
So why are we doing this with the most important work of our lives?
I think it’s because we’ve been told that structure in parenting means rigidity.
That good mothers just feel their way through and meet their children where they are every day. That if we’re not winging it, we’re controlling.
But that’s not true.
Structure Is Not Restriction. It’s Relief.
When the Prophet (saw) organized the early Muslim community, he didn’t tell everyone to just figure it out on their own.
He established a masjid, prayer times. He designated leaders for different responsibilities.
He created structures and containers that would outlast him by 1,400 years because leadership can only be designed if we want it to be successful.
And that’s what’s missing from our parenting.
We’re trying to build a generation with half baked blueprints and we are trying to lead without a real infrastructure.
What Design Actually Looks Like
Let me paint you a picture of what changes when you move from improvisation to design:
Instead of:
Googling “how to teach kids about Allah” at midnight while feeling guilty about screen time
You have:
A rhythm already established where Islamic education is woven into morning routines, bedtimes, and meal times
Instead of:
Reinventing how to respond to defiance every single time your child pushes back
You have:
Principles you’ve already anchored that guide your response rooted in Islamic guidance and developmental science.
Instead of:
Wondering if you’re doing enough
You know:
What your enough looks like because you designed it intentionally, aligned with what Allah asks of you
Instead of:
Feeling paralyzed by every parenting decision
You have:
Pre-aligned frameworks that reduce decision fatigue and free your cognitive energy for actual presence with your children
This isn’t about becoming rigid but rather about building once so you can lead from stability instead of depletion for the next decade.
The Islamic Case for Structure
Allah tells us in Surah Al-Baqarah:
“And seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah].” (2:45)
Notice it doesn’t say “figure it out yourself.” It says “seek help through patience” (structure, rhythm, design, endurance) “and prayer” (anchor, foundation, belonging to something greater).
The deen itself is structured help. So why do we resist building that same structure into how we raise our children?
I think it’s because we’ve confused submission to Allah with submission to overwhelm. We think suffering through it alone somehow makes us better Muslims.
What This Means for You
Some women will continue adjusting, managing, Googling answers at midnight.
Some women will build once and lead from it.
Parenting by Divine Design is for the second group.
It’s for the woman who:
Already values Islamic identity deeply
Already cares about leadership
Already invests in her health, her growth, her children
Is not looking for motivation
Is looking for design
It’s a year-long parenting leadership partnership designed to:
✓ Reduce decision fatigue through pre-aligned Islamic frameworks
✓ Anchor Islamic identity into daily life without adding more tasks
✓ Provide ongoing contextual support as you implement
✓ Stabilize your nervous system through structure
✓ Remove the translation work between secular parenting and Islamic values
The Research Is Clear
Parenting approaches grounded in mutual respect, democratic decision-making, and consistent rules when the parent-child relationship is characterized by emotional warmth, enhances the parent’s self-image and increases self-satisfaction, leading to a more balanced mental state and a stable, nurturing family environment.
But you can’t build that kind of environment when you’re running on decision fatigue.
You can’t show up with emotional warmth when your prefrontal cortex is fried from carrying 71% of the household mental load.
You can’t create consistent rules when you’re improvising your Islamic parenting philosophy in real-time.
Structure is how we get there. Not as restriction but rather as relief.
Parents today are both working more and spending more time in child care compared to two decades ago, leaving less time for taking care of themselves and recuperating.4
And for Muslim mothers, add to that: preserving faith, navigating dual identities, protecting children from harmful ideologies, and building Islamic culture in homes where no blueprint exists.
But here’s what I know:
You don’t need to try harder. You need to build differently.
You need infrastructure. The kind that honors both your deen and your humanity.
That is exactly what Parenting by Divine Design offers.
Enrollment Opens Soon.
If you’re ready to stop improvising and start building, register here.