The reason you’re still yelling (even after all the books you read)
And it relates to the new parenting epidemic.
You ever notice how parents are all unpaid psychologist these days? (Myself included).
Like, you can’t even have a conversation in peace anymore without hearing:
“She’s in her fawn response.”
“That’s a trauma bond.” “She is insecurely attached.”
“His inner child needs reparenting.”
Sis.
Maybe the kid is just tired. Maybe the mom is having a hard day.
And maybe the toddler doesn’t need a chores system chart taped to the fridge.
Maybe he just needs a mom who looks at him with love when he spills the juice. Again.
Let me just say it:
Some of us aren’t parenting anymore.
We’re performing the idea of parenting. I say this with love.
We’re scrolling, studying trends, psychoanalyzing and we’re talking about “holding space” and “inner child work” and “generational trauma”…
But when it’s time to get on the floor and play?
Or say no and hold the line for an Islamic principle?
Or comfort our tantrum-ing preschooler instead of googling “signs of defiance”...
We freeze.
Why?
Because we’re afraid to get it wrong.
This is the new parenting epidemic: Over-education, under-parenting.
We know so much. I mean we’ve got the books, the courses, the reels saved in six folders and still?
We’re yelling, disconnected, quietly resenting motherhood.
We’re quoting The Whole Brain Child while rage-cleaning the kitchen.
So what’s happening here?
We’re parenting from fear.
Fear of messing them up, of saying the wrong thing, of being the mom our kids talk about in therapy one day.
So instead of aligning our parenting with our Islamic values from the start, we overthink everything because we are confused.
And yet we somehow tell ourselves that the more we know, the less we’ll mess up.
But guess what? It does not work that way!
Knowing more changes NOTHING from your reality until you ACT!
Research has a name for this and it’s called ‘Information Overload’ and in some cases ‘Cognitive Overload’
A recent study published in the International Journal of Behavioral Development explored how parents' online information-seeking behavior affects their confidence in parenting, known as parental self-efficacy. The researchers found that:
Increased Information Searching: Parents who frequently searched for parenting information online reported higher levels of information overload over time.
Impact on Self-Efficacy: This information overload was associated with a decrease in parental self-efficacy, meaning that as parents consumed more information, their confidence in their parenting abilities diminished.
Cycle of Overload: The study suggests a cyclical pattern where overwhelmed parents seek more information in an attempt to cope, which in turn leads to further overload and decreased confidence.
This research highlights a paradox: in our quest to become better parents through information, we may inadvertently undermine our confidence and effectiveness by overwhelming ourselves. 1
Another study by Harvard showed that too much info consumption led to decision fatigue, which then reduced empathy and regulation. 2
Translation?
Your brain might be booked and busy as it’s trying to live a life error-free and it’s distracting you with ‘more information’ that does not transfer to real knowledge.
It’s why you yell after you’ve read five parenting blogs.
Why you break down after a day of doing all the “right things.”
Why you feel like a failure, even when you’re trying so hard.
Our Deen never told us to parent this way
Islam teaches through practice and action. We aren’t held accountable for what we think but we are for the things we act upon. We are told that the small consistent acts are the most beloved to our Lord and the most impactful.
So what’s the solution?
You actually parent with your full chest.
You turn off the reel and turn toward your child.
You make a mistake, and instead of spiraling into guilt,
you say, “Oops. That wasn’t it. Let me try again.”
You allow Islam, real knowledge (not social media) and your intuition to guide you.
You show up scared, unsure, messy —but you show up authentically.
That’s true leadership in motherhood.
I believe you need one tiny moment of courage to stop observing your parenting from the sidelines with text-book references and start practicing it.
So here’s the question for you this week:
What’s something you already know…but haven’t acted upon yet?
Now go and make a plan to do it with all of its uncertainty and mess and awkwardness. That’s how we grow with our children.
You got this! Bismillah.
What’s brewing in the Elite community?
1- The No-Yelling Day is coming up soon. Join to lock it in before the public. Learn more.
2- The Muslim Parent Companion has been welcoming new members this week! Join our first deep dive intensive by May 31st! Check it out!
Until next time, Take care
Assalamu Alekum.